Apparently the sex of my bean/foetus/collection of cells/baby* (*delete as appropriate) will be distinguishable by ultrasound in week 18 - 22 by ultrasound. Then I will be able to decide if I want to know or not.
Of the increasing number of people who now know I am up the duff, most people are of the assumption I am having a boy. Now, I am not aware or supersticious or other worldly so anything I presume will merely be guess work, and I am imagining so of my other friends - my SP was so convinced her sister's baby was going to be a girl that when we received a voicemail in the middle of the night on an overnight stay in Birmingham that she had given birth to a healthy baby boy, she just harumpfed into her pillow and went back to sleep, so I'm not entirely sure I'm going to rest with her (usually more accurate and trustworthy) judgement this time around. My partner, bless him, has said he doesn't care what it is other than it is healthy and happy.
Before I became pregnant, my partner and I often daydreamed about our children as babies, toddlers, children, teenagers...thinking through their lives in a conversation at terrifying speed. Now realisation is settling in I see my beautiful little baby girl storming up to her bedroom, telling me she is pregnant aged 14, or running away with a 'youth', and my handsome little baby boy snorting coke in his bedroom, staying out all night, refusing to acknowledge his downtrodden mother in the street when he passes me with his friends.
At the moment, the thought of my 'condition' turning into an actual baby rests somewhere between unrealistic, laughable and impossible. The fear of miscarriage, of something going wrong, eclipses daydreams and nightmares of motherhood swiftly, leaving me in a dark, cold, lonely place, fearing for the weakness of my body.
There are times, like yesterday, when I cry uncontrollably, overwhelmed and consumed and exhausted. Hating the way I am feeling, hating my body. But the fear of this being over, the fear of this being snatched away from me, of having to try again, back at the beginning, of the intense pain of loss, terrifies me more than I can really feel. I feel like a constant battle is playing out within me, and all I can do is hold on. I have to.
4 comments:
you poor thing. First of all, you are going through some serious hormonal changes that literally affect your thought process.
Slow down. A lot has to happen before your kid is in his room smoking crack. A lot of decisions and hugs and love have to be met before you even get there.
Enjoy today and the changes you are going through.
I MUST try and continually remind myself that a lot of this is hormonal and while I may be going bonkers, at least I'm actually allowed!
Och, that is so true. In the bad moments, all you can do is hang on.
I'm with Reflecting Pool: the effect of hormones cannot be underestimated--what is so profound and awful and all-too-real will, in some months' time, seem so clearly Not You, so clearly The Influence of the Hormones.
But then the post-partum hormones hit, and you'll have a whole new ballgame.
But it's worth it. It's all a new way of experiencing your own self, eh?
Jocelyn, I like your way of looking at that, I'm just one big emotional experiment. I should really just use this and say 'its down to the hormones you know'. Noone is likely to argue with a hormonal pregnant woman!
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